Outside the Window

Outside the window it is dark outside. I am sitting on the couch, needing the bathroom so badly, but not willing to stand up and walk to the bathroom. Instead I sit on the couch and listen to podcasts. All day, all I ever want to do it listen to podcasts. I don't pray, I don't think, I just listen. 
Outside the window it is dark outside. I am sitting on the couch with the shade up on the garden sliding doors and I can see the lights all lit in the town across the valley. shimmering. And the lights of the cars driving on the road that separates them from us. 
My eyes hurt from staring at screens for so long. And yet outside it is beautiful and dark. I see the cars coming and going. Constantly coming and going. Sometimes I can hear the sirens as they rush to or from a person in need. I hear the sirens and my heart skips a beat. Every siren I hear my heart skips a beat. Maybe this is leftover trauma from the summer of sirens, where rockets were raining down instead of the summer rain I had as a child. Maybe this is leftover trauma from all the terror attacks that were which caused so many to no longer be. All I know is: I hear the sirens and my heart skips a beat. I try to not listen, to not hear. I try so hard. At work I hear the sirens coming all the time. Sirens coming and coming and coming. Never leaving. At work I hear the sirens driving by on the way to the hospital right up the road. 
At work. At work I do not see out the window. I only see out the Window of Microsoft. And I walk the hallway back and forth. Take a cold drink. Take a hot drink. Take a piss. Walk the hallway back and forth. I walk the hallway back and forth and say hello, laugh, talk. I am heard. I do not listen. Or I do. I wonder if people who are with me feel like they can talk when I am there. Will I listen to them? Will I make them feel heard? 
I walk the halls at work so that my butt does not go numb. I walk the halls at work so that my eyes do not go numb. I walk the halls until I can no longer walk the halls. I take my headphones and I go out for a walk. I see all the plants. I look. I listen to my stupid podcasts. I MUST listen to them. I MUST catch up on every single one or I might be missing out on something. I hear the voices in my head coming out of the machine sitting in the pocket of my not yet toned ass. I hear the voices in my head and I laugh. I don't cry. I don't always hear. I hear the voices in my head so that I don't have to hear my voice. I hear the voices in my head so that I don't have to think. Don't have to care. I hear the voices in my head and I don't hear me. 
I could walk the halls at home too, but then I would bump into dirty clothing strewn all over the floor. Dirty dishes strewn all over the counter. I could walk the halls at home too, but I would rather sit on the couch not looking out the beautiful window just listening to my stupid podcasts and staring at one screen or another. 
I have an addictive personality. I need to listen to the podcasts. I need to listen to EVERY SINGLE one. Maybe I should just delete them all from my phone and not have the stupid voices in my head. Not have the goddamn podcasts in my goddamn head. But I would rather sit on the couch listening to the podcasts then get up and clean the horrible smell in the bathrooms that return EVERY SINGLE time one of my beautiful boys go to pee. Rather than walk the hallways and hear the beautiful boys snoring loudly making sure to be heard at least in their sleep. At least I exercise so that I don't have to feel guilty for not leaving the house beyond going to see the plants in my garden. Beyond going to see the vegetables that are growing and that are not growing. Beyond going to clean the pavement outside of my beautiful garden doors so that I do not get upset every time I look outside. So that I do not see the mess left to accumulate by my beautiful boys and man. 
I sit on the couch and I listen to the silence. Maybe I should delete all my podcasts to hear more. Maybe I should delete my best friend so that I can have real best friends. So that I can hear my real friends and my real family. Maybe I should. But I probably won't.