Writing upon request is never easy for me.
But, There's a shadow hanging over me, and I try to please.
This is especially a hard topic for me because it goes so far back, well before Yesterday.
This is not really something I can write or elaborate on. I will write in short.
It took me a while to notice the trend, and it was pointed out to me by someone external. What was pointed out to me was that my mother, when she gets upset with my father, tends to take it out on me. It took me a while to accept this, but the more it happened, the more I noticed it, and the harder it was to deny. I believe that it is not just my father that she takes out on me, but any time she is going through something that is very hard, I end up having a mother who is very mean to me. She does not do this to her other children.
When I got married, and most of the engagement period, my mother was very angry with me, yelling at me a lot, and blaming me for things that were not related to me. I went through my wedding feeling completely cut off from my family, unwanted and unloved. Why? Because my grandmother past away while we were engaged. She took out her passing on me. I had to deal with my own mourning along with feeling like I lost a mother. All while I was planning a wedding completely alone. And anything that went wrong I was blamed for. I always am.
When I was a teenager, my mother went to Israel to visit her parents. This was never something easy for her. Her father didn't make it any easier. He would tell her every time she left that this would be the last time they would see each other. I was still a child though. And I was going through a lot myself. I was in 1tth grade and had no friends. Everyone I thought was a friend decided they didn't want to be friends with me anymore and were not secretive about it. And the one friend I had was living in Israel for the year. I was feeling alone and dealing with all the hormones involved with being a teenager. My mother was away, and like most teenagers, I had procrastinated a school project. It was the night before it was due, and I was on the computer writing my report. My father, being my father, does not see other people, especially when he is stressed out. When he is stressed, he shuts down and stops seeing others even more than his normal self. The same night I was working on my report, my mother was on a plane coming back home. My father started stressing out because the house was a mess. He started yelling at me and telling me to get off the computer and help him. I explained the situation to him, but there is no one to talk to when he is like that. He started being very verbally abusive. Telling me what a horrible person I am, how no one likes me, and on and on, none stop. I locked myself in the bathroom to get away from it. He followed and continued to talk to me like that. I called Mimi, hysterical, telling her I don't know what to do, I want to kill myself. I had a blade in my hand and started hurting myself with it. I was desperate for help and he stood outside the bathroom and continued to barrage me with verbal abuse. The one saving grace I kept on telling myself was that my mother would be home in the morning and she will save me. She will hug me. She will tell me she loves me. She will protect me.
And then she came home.
She came home and started putting me down. Telling me what a horrible person I am. How ungrateful. And more. That. That was a breaking point for me. I was aware enough to know this was a breaking point only a few months later. But I could never tell her. This brought me into a deep and dark depression. This was the straw that made me feel like I was completely alone in the world. That there was not a person in the world that cared about me or loved me. That if anything I was a burden to people and why was I even there. That if I did not exist, everyone would be happier.
These are the two events that I am brought back to every time something similar happens. And it happens often. Sometimes it is worse than others.
This visit, it was pretty bad. My father is not easy, and he is getting harder. I am sympathetic to that and understand what she is going through at least to an extent.
The thing is that we worked so hard to make everything perfect. We didn't sleep more than 3 hours a night for months. We took everyones needs into consideration trying to make everyone feel thought about and cared for and their needs met.
But we did not prepare the shabbat after. Because we were on our last straw. Because not everything has to be on us. Because we also need to breathe sometimes. Because we also work and still need to be able to pay our bills and not get fired. Because as it was I felt so overwhelmed by work that I almost quit. Because of so many reasons. Because it was too much for us and I don't have to give excuses for them. But no one else really took responsibility for it. And my mother felt like it all fell on her. And my father yelled. Boy did he yell. So I had my mother telling me what a horrible person I am. In many more words than that. Because these words always take me back. Because I am currently dealing with a slight depression that I have not been able to put into words until writing them here and now. Because I feel all alone in the world. I feel like no one cares about me or sees me ever. I finally have a husband who works and can hold down a job. But he can no longer see me. I am alone. No one cares about me. No one loves me. No one sees me. Ever. Because this is always the place it takes me back to, especially when I am already struggling.
And I am struggling. Struggling not to drown. But I struggle in silence. I still have to go to work and get my work done. I still have to be home and be stable enough for my kids not to notice. I still need to be there for my kids. I still need to deal with Azi. Azi who takes a bar of wood he sees on our brand new extremely expensive new living room unit, holds it in both hands and starts banging on the unit. Why? Because he felt an immediate need to nock. I still need to deal with Elisha who feels like everything surrounds Azi. Like no one cares about him. I still need to make sure that he gets the attention he needs and is given the love needed to make sure he never feels the same. I still need. But I am walking an extremely narrow thread. I am trying not to fall off. And for now I am blocking out the external wall and anything or anyone that might cause me to fall off. Because I might not be wanted or cared about or loved, but I am needed. And I need to make sure I am there for those who actually need me. Because I love them.
